its my life

this has become a refuge
a spot to spill all my emotions
thankfully not a soul reads it but two
it always seems like im there, like its made it
then the next thing i know is that she goes left and i go right

i leave for her, with her, just because its her
i bring her all i know she needs....she doesn't notice
i lay down, and we both know where this wont go

i wait, think, wait
put a shirt on, contemplate
finally leaving

"Let her know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past her defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told her all along"

think about your friends and where they have gone
left you all alone
traded you in
forgotten it all

so you begin to wonder why?
lost a friend? lost a lover? lost it all...

but in the end all that matters is that i have this
my refuge
my hope
my

something that will never be exposed, never seen or read, never criticize me, never reject me, never deny me

a fresh view is in order
a fresh approach
7 years...
the last 4 have been something...then again

the last 4 have been nothing
empty, filling, consuming, starving, highs, lows
all or nothing...

no gray, never anything in between..

"its my life, my pain and my struggle"

its all on me...casue its for me
so yeah you alone, now and always
but u have this, and maybe thats that
thats enough

so shine on....shine on.....

one month

its been a month.
i neglected you, as i always do
i forget and ignore
till my heart cant take it anymore
then i come to you to spill my sorrows
and curse my dreams
for what are they but whispers
shadows of hope we both know will never be

every glance is a stab
every look kills
every comment is a punch
everything is nothin

or so it seems

yet only you can make me leave
can make walkaway
ignore my life
forget my life
forget my friends

make me happy
dizzying highs
pitiful low's

tonight
no more
its all or nothing
and right now i side with nothing
till something gives or changes

"how the west was won"

so it really seems that i only wirte here when im down and out, which has not been often in the last 2 weeks, its been amazing, and i have never though i could feel like this about someone in such a dman short period of time, that i myself do not know what to do or how to move from here.....i mean its really over for me right now.

but then shit hits the fan....and this is what i cant stand about having a girl, shit hitting the fan, and it has hit, and hit big....twice in 3 days....the first time i was persistant and i chased her and i apologized for my actions though i fully be.ive they were accurate, i swalloed my pride and said fuck it, she means more.

tonight i got tired of asking, of convcing, of trying. really i dont try after 2 attempts with girls i like, others ill bug all night, but these ones i could really care less about annoying. so if im expected to chase to bark to sniff around and seem all around pathetic in my attempts to take her, i wont. fuck it. thats not me. im not a dog, i cant stand her not being there, but i have to come to terms with the fact that yeah guess what she wont be around, hell she wont be around in seven months...so what am i worrying about one fucking night, and if this is how i handle getting rejected twice in one night, what happens when i know that this is it. the end. the last night, what will i do then, break down....shit i dont even wanna think about that, but to be honest its all over my mind. fuck you tony for asking me once, and pujttting the damn fact into my head, that as you said "ultimately she is leaving". cause as soon as that sunk in, it ruined me.....

....and to be honest i cannot recover from that. its too much.

so why do i pour my soul out here, i was offered over 5 different outlets to spill my sorrows on, and yet i pick this one, i guess its cause you dont talk back you just lisen. and i think thats the main issue....you lisen and thats that. i wish maybe she paid more attention to my words, i may say alot, but its always clear what means the most, sadly she has yet to figure that one out.

R.E.M is god....

"I didn’t wear glasses cause I thought it might rain.
Now I can’t see anything.
I made a mistake, chalked it up to design.
I cracked through time, space, Godless and dry.
I point my nose to the northern star,
Watch the decline from a hazy distance."

monday night

i know why i cant study...cause im a fucking g...i dont need to ;) hahahhaa...i mean fuck that shit, when i need to i can, but i know i can get by and get what i always get with shit all studied...cause you know what...i dont need that

i love spicy dinners i make for myself...and capping it with vodka and cranberry/red bull that the gray man brings is always a fucking party....chillin at the crib till 3 am....shiiiit.

so a scarier thing happened....i was up big in raquetball....like 11-5....13-6....and i lost 13-15...to eddie, and he won one game today...thats one more then i like esp when i had him. but why? cause i was nervous....the turn came when she came....just like the game before...down 11-6....she leaves...i won 12-15....i mean what is up with that...not cool....what a lil bitch i am.

spicy stirfry with onions, and thrown on with dirty rice mix...too sick...mmm mmmm m....i think thats my favorite new set of words...mmmm mmm m....hell yeah....and i hate the fact that the grey man stole my way of writing with the .... that shit is my signature line, cause i mean fuck grammar, lest i feel like seeing a commma for shits, and, giggles, like, right, now,....cause i can.

despite how it seems i aint drunk, had 2 cups...but like its 3 am and im on a grand total of like 10 hours of sleep in 3-4 days...like 4 hours on friday night, 3 hours on saturday, 4 hours on sunday...so thats 11...i mean wtf....i used to sleep 11 a day...i mean i gotta get with this sleep shit again.

i get to meet my mentor on friday, a week late, i mean whatever, but his resume is impressive...and more intresting company then what i originally assumed reading the name we are meeting at starbucks which is funny i seem to be there alot these days like jen loves starbucks and apparantly thats the place to be i feel so damn yank i have been to starbucks like 5 times in first 3 years and atleast 10 times in last month these damn women and mentors making us just be like pussys hahhaha eddie will love this one

led zep is sick...

shine on you crazy diamonds...

alex is into 10 minutes of passion he is about to cry cause i changed achilles last stand but i put on going to california and he is back to being black and happy hahaha my favorite oreo....

word.

I dont know whats going on, i cant focus, i have no motivation, no will, no nothing. there is not a thing pushing me to study for this test i have to make up tommorow morning, i am about to go play poker and fuck around at rodrigo's house when i should be studying, and yet i dont care. I just dont care. Isnt that something. Makes me wonder whats up with me.

Seems that my head has been taken over and i dont know how to get it back....i miss motivation.

Its strange, i can run 4 miles alone, around a track and never for a second think about quitting or not doing it. I can will myself to work 9 hours in the sun on 2 hours of sleep, hit up the gym, and party all night....yet i cannot for the life of me put my head down, answer 10-15 questions, and read 30-40 pages. Its so strange, i have changed.....physically im in tip top shape....mentally i cannot focus....is this seniorities...or as mark says....its something else "ti sei innamorato o cosa..." is what he says...but that cant be it.

i just need to will myself...so since im such a lazy prat...i will pay for it tonight...no sleep....just straight up work....cause i gotta get this shit.

aint blowing that 3.84 now!

and i love borrowing i-pods....they are too sick

I love...

i love the beach. i love going to the beach. i love parking on 7th street. i love the 5 minute walk down collins, left on 7th, and across ocean drive, walk by the volleyball courts, across the sand dune, and run into the surf. i love O for skipping class to go to the beach. I love fridays, that are so lazy and i get to hang with orlando and tony, i love jen for spending a the day with me, 24 hours, how did she ever survive. I love her hair when it gets curly, i love the 'sea green' eyes she has, i love watching the sun set on the west, while the moon rises on the east. i love 'over my head' on O's i-pod. i love the sun. i love the sand all over me. i love lisening to the rush of the waves as they break ever so gently. i love the green hue of the ocean. i love the light breeze that blows from 5 pm onwards. i love getting into the water. i love the first dive as i get wet. i love the first ball thrown of the day. i love floating with the waves crashing over me. i love holding her while the waves crash over us. i love tony making comments. i love the sun. i love walking out from the beach as the surf hits my toes. i love that last bit of surf that washes over my feet. i love lying down on my towel. i love falling asleep on the beach. i love waking up on the beach. i love not being awake or asleep., but dreamy. i love my own world. i love the walk back to the car. i love turning back and getting one last look at the ocean. i love driving home from the beach, cause im so relaxed. i love seeing the miami skyline that you see on MacArthur.

i love the beach and the people i go with; Jen, Orlando, Tony.

Smile